Setting Boundaries

How to say “yes” to what matters most

Boundaries help you protect your energy, strengthen relationships and live in alignment with your values. They are a way to honor yourself and invite people into relationships with you in ways that work. Boundaries:

• Help people understand how you want to be treated
• Establish your comfort levels
• Help you feel more in control of your choices

Here are eight simple but effective strategies to help you set and maintain boundaries.

1. Think about what feels good

Before setting boundaries, take a moment to reflect. Notice…

• When do you feel good, safe, and respected? What is happening that makes you feel this way?
• When do you feel tense or uneasy? Is it around a certain person or in specific situations?

These reflections offer clues to whether your boundaries are being respected or pushed. Remember – boundaries are lines that you can hold through your own choices and behavior.

2. Communicate openly.

Sharing your boundaries invites connection. It helps people – especially those who care about you – understand what’s comfortable to you in relationships. Be kind, clear, and firm when communicating your boundaries. Remember, setting boundaries is not telling other people what to do. It sets expectations for how you want to be treated, respects your own needs and invites connection in ways that work for you.

Boundaries work best when they are a part of a conversation. After sharing your own, invite others to share their own. This helps create relationships where everyone feels understood and respected.

Here are examples of how you might initiate this conversation:

• “I want to talk to you about how I’ve been feeling lately…”
• “I value your friendship. Lately I’ve been feeling…”
• “I’ve noticed I feel most comfortable when…”

Consider asking:

• “In what ways can I support your boundaries?”
• “I care about you, and I’d love to hear what feels most comfortable for you.”
• “What boundaries matter to you in this situation?”

3. Hold Boundaries

Once boundaries have been set, reinforce them with calm, clear language. You might say:

• “When that happens, I need to…”
• “This is important to me, and I am asking you to respect that.”
• “I am going to take some space.”

4. Check in and Offer Reminders

New boundaries are like new habits: It takes time for them to stick. Check in with people to make sure you behavior is meeting their needs. You might ask:

• “We talked about this before. Am I meeting your needs? What could I do better?”
• “I just want to check in about…”
• “How have things felt lately with… Are you getting what you need?”

If someone forgets your boundaries, you can gently remind them. For example, you might say:

• “Remember when we talked about this? It still matters to me.”
• “Hey, I still need…”
• “I’m calling a timeout.”
• “I’ve shared how this makes me feel, and I need that to be respected.”

The more consistently you remind people about your boundaries, the stronger the boundaries feel to you and the clearer they become for others.

5. Address conflict together

Sometimes boundaries lead to tension—that’s normal. Conflict doesn’t mean the relationship is failing; it means both people care enough to engage. When conflict arises, focus on listening, staying calm, and looking for solutions.

You might try:

• “I hear what you’re saying. Here’s what I need…”
• “I think we see this differently. How can we find a middle ground?”
• “I want to understand your perspective better—can you tell me more?”

Conflict resolution is about balance. By expressing yourself and listening in return, you create space for compromise, growth, and stronger trust.

6. It’s ok to walk away

Even after attempts at conflict resolution, someone may continue to ignore your boundaries. In those cases, it’s healthy to step back to protect your well-being.

To leave a situation you might say:

• “This is making me uncomfortable so I’m leaving.”
• “I don’t like this. I’m out.”
• Or simply walk away.

Pay attention to patterns. If someone consistently oversteps your boundaries, you may need to reconsider that relationship.

7. Explore your interests and find your people.

Sometimes FOMO gets in our way of living our values. Explore and develop your own interests. Find spaces, activities, and people that make you feel confident, comfortable, and safe which helps you…

• Increase your sense of purpose and confidence
• Invest in in your own growth
• Build community around your values

Explore Heel Life for clubs you might enjoy and Healthy Haps for fun events – both are easy ways to find people and environments that feel good to you.

8. Talk to someone.

Remember, you don’t have to do this alone. You have people who are willing to help you. Reach out to someone you trust – like a family member, a close friend or a mentor – for support.

Here’s an example of how you might start this conversation:

• “Can I share how I’ve been feeling?”
• “Could we find time to talk? I’d really appreciate it.”
• “I’d love to get something off my chest. Can we talk?”

You can also connect with a mental health professional. A counselor can help you navigate emotions and develop your tools for setting and maintaining boundaries. You can drop in for an initial assessment at CAPS between 9:00 a.m. and noon or 1:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m. on weekdays, or call CAPS anytime, 24/7, at 919-966-3658. 

If you ever feel that your boundaries aren’t being respected—or if someone’s actions leave you feeling uncomfortable or unsafe—you don’t have to handle it alone. Gender Violence Services Coordinators in Violence Prevention and Advocacy Services are available to listen, talk through your concerns, and explore available support and options that may feel helpful for you.

Campus Health offers a range of services to support your physical and emotional health — from same-day medical appointments to wellness coaching, nutrition counseling, and more. Setting healthy boundaries often starts with taking care of yourself, and Campus Health can help you do just that. Learn more or make an appointment here.

Final Thoughts

Boundaries bridge the way to healthier connections. Saying “no” might feel scary, at first, but by sharing your needs, holding your boundaries, and respecting those of the people around you – you’re making space for relationships, experiences, and opportunities that work for everyone.